greengrl's Xanga

Wednesday, October 01, 2003

Wed, 01 Oct 2003 22:57:03 GMT

Slide - Ani DiFranco

she was hungry
so hungry
she was trying to think clear
she kept opening the fridge door
staring at the mustard and the beer

then finally she went out into the rain
carrying her bicycle chain
and her feet were the pedals
while her appetite steered
and after that she just followed her nose
and fate is not just
whose cooking smells good
but which way the wind blows

she lay down in her party dress
and never got up
needless to say
she missed the party
she just got sad
then she got stuck

she was bending
like something brittle
trying hard to bend
she was numb
with the terror
of losing her best friend
we never see things changing
we only see them ending

and some vicious whispering voice kept saying
you have no choice
you have....

'cause when I look at you I squint
you are that beautiful
and my pussy is a tractor
and this is a tractor pull
and I am haunted
by my illicit exquisite dream
but I can't really wake up
so I just drift in between
thinking the glass is half-empty
and thinking it's not quite full
the pouring rain is no place for a bicycle ride
try to hit the brakes and you slide
slide
slide
slide

the pouring rain is no place for a bicycle ride
try to hit the brakes and you
slide

I am listening to this song as I am writing this. Well, it just ended, but I still love this song. I love Ani DiFranco period. It is too bad I just discovered her. I dunno. so, abstaining from men, I don't know if it is getting harder or easier. See, I am meeting all of these really great guys, but I know they are way too great to ever go for me. See what I mean?

People say that I am too hard on myself. I can't help it. If I realixze that I am being a jack ass and continue to do it, then I deserve any shit I give myself. Like if I meet a really nice person and can't talk to them, even though I want to. and why don't I talk to them? Because, I will just say something stupid anyway.

Today, during physics, I found myself with tears in my eyes and I don't know why. Like, I wasn't in the greatest of moods for reasons I can list. One, I was in physics, and I hate physics. Two, I told someone how I did on our first test, and he pretty much called me stupid and that I suck. It's true, I do. Three, I met a really great guy last night, and was just tongue tied, I couldn't bring myself to say anything, and I felt really dumb about that. And then I realized, why bother because he was way to great for me anyway. and that was depressing, but not enough to make me cry. Maybe I should just take my meds more regularly. I feel like I am going in circles. I feel great, and then I go back to feeling empty. Right now I feel empty, again. Either that or I am full of gross stuff. It sure does a great job of keeping people away though. I should find out why it happens then make some money off of it. Got some annoying asshole bugging you? just use this! The inventor has been using it all her life! and now, no one even talks to her! Holy shit! Blah, I am just so down. Like, I know that I need to become a healthy person. Step one is recognition right? Well, I have realized this and now I don't know what to do about it. Like, I could have self esteem. but I feel guilty if I do, like I am being smug and ignorant. I know so many people better than me. What right do I have to say that I have any great qualities when there are so many people around me who have that and more? I don't even know if that makes any sense. What makes sense, at least to me, is that I wish I could spend all day in bed. See, my bed is awesome. I am in the middle of a lofted bunk bed, I use a tapestry to cover the open part, the wall is on the head and oppisite side of the bed, and then my roommates ladder is at the foot. It is like my own little space, that I just never want to leave.

Ok, so who are these wonderful people that I know?

Kile: Kile is this kid in my organic farming class, and he is the only person that I know who can be just, relaxed all of the time. He has this childlike wonder with everything. And he gets so excited about stuff.

Vinnie: Vinnie is the kid I met last night. Not only is he a great dancer and cute (at least, I think so) but he is like the most polite, nice person that I have ever met in my life. He is so...nice to everyone. he goes out of his way to make people's day. It is just, wonderful.

Mike: Mike is my best friend of forever. He is smart, smarter than any person I have ever met. He also has good manners, but not good as Vinnie. Mike knows what he wants out of life. He just doesn't know how to get there. And, he knows himself better than anyone I know.My mom thinks that he is my soulmate, but, I don't think so. I thought a soulmate had to be equal to you in some way?

Audrey: Audrey is also someone I have met only recently. but, she is perfect. and I mean perfect. She is beautiful on the outside, long blonde hair and a perfect body. She is nice to everyone, and always has smile on her face. She is also way smart. She recieved this scholarship that only like, 12 out of about 10,000 people in my university get. she is dating another swing dancing friend of mine, and it is great, because they are both really perfect people, and seemingly perfect for each other.

Craig: Craig studies Aikido with me. He is just, a liberal. He is all for womans rights and environmentalism and all the stuff that I am into. Only, people don't hate him for it. Because he has a pleasant demeanor all of the time, even though he has anger. A lot like Kile.

See, there are all these people whose lives I wish I were living. And my friend mike always says, "well, then, just make it so that you have all of these qualities." I can't pretend to have something I don't have. Like a perfect body, or perfect manners, or even being likable in anyway. I try to be like these people, I really do. It just doesn't work. Everyone sees through me. to...nothing. I still don't know who I am yet. I am getting better though. I mean, I am becoming more and more spiritually satisfied, I know what I like and what I don't like. But I still feel like I have no identity. Like, nothing that is my own. I also have a shitload of homework to do. whoops. O well, time to do that shit. I really need to stop swearing when I write, and just in general

Saturday, August 30, 2003

Sat, 30 Aug 2003 05:15:55 GMT

so, I am back at school. I haven't had a chance to update since my last blog since that is when school got out, sooooo

I am just chillin. A lot has happened since the last time I blogged. I dated a guy, he got waaaaay too attached and I wasn't feeling the same way, plus he did something that I can't forgive him for, so I broke up with him. I feel really bad about it, because I know how he feels, but I don't want to hurt him more. such is life I guess.

Anyway, I have now decided to abstain from men. And how I am doing it isn't very good, because I am just bashing them, and try to remember all of my horrible experiences. My roommate told me about her experience with a woman, and I found myself jealous. so I am exploring this side of myself for now. I mean, I have always found women attractive sexually (one of my top fantasies) and that, but I have been wondering what it would be like to actually date a woman. would it really be better then men? could I open up to them more, would they understand mebetter? could I actually make them happy? I have no idea how to go about finding the answers to these questions, but I really want to try. I don't know, maybe I am just being spoiled or stupid again. I do a lot of that. it seems that whatever I am passionate about is stupid. I mean, ppl groan whenever I open my mouth. I just, care about stuff. Like my major, I love my major. and there is stuff I want to figure out about it, so I talk it out. The same goes with my spirituality. and I am a veg, so ppl make fun of me all of the time about that, and some days, I am just not capable to deal with it and not get defensive. and some of the jokes ppl make, about women getting hit or minorities or lbgt students, I just hate them. why do ppl think that stuff is so f$cking funny? it isn't, and I just can't hold myself back somtimes. I mean, I am not perfect you know? I wish, with my whole heart that i could be perfect to ppl, but I just can't. I just can be perfect for someone, or many someones. I don't know, my mind is a mess. maybe sleeping will help.

Tuesday, April 22, 2003

Tue, 22 Apr 2003 05:00:54 GMT

I have been laying in my bed the past half hour, and I just can't sleep. There is no particular reason I can think of, it is just, my mind is wandering. It isn't functioning enough to do any homework, so I decided to blog. About what? I don't know. I am just writing in an attampt to try and fall asleep. I have a candle burning at my desk. hehehe, so illegal....life in the dorms.

So, I guess I can start off by talking about my lack of any close relationship. I was joking around with a friend of mine today. I went o grab the daily paper, and he thought I was going to the candy machine (it is right next to the paper stand). He asked me why I was getting candy at such an early hour. And of course, I said, "hell no, I already had enough candy last night!! My fatass doesn't need anymore." I said it in a joking matter, I usually do mean it, but in this case I didn't. Anyway, the first thing he said to me was, yes you are so fat, yeah right. You just want people to feel sorry for you. What is fat is the little person inside of you that complains. He gets a lot of exercise. I got pretty pissed by this. It made me think. On one hand, do I really say those things so that ppl will feel sorry for me? And on the other hand, why is it that as soon as I get to know someone well, they either leave me or treat me like dirt and say things that make me feel bad. The answer to the first question is a huge NO. I have a really negative body image. It isn't a secret. I go to the IM building across the street and see all of those girls with the perfect bodies all around me, and I think, why can't that be me? So, naturally, seeing that it is possible to be that beautiful at least superficially, I think that I am just too much of a glotton to ever look like that. And, I try puking stuff up, or starving myself, but it never works out, because I have no will power. So instead, I lament. I guess maybe a part of me says those things because I want someone to refute me. But then again, no, that isn't it. I say them because they are true, 100%. I am a fat ass with no will power. I hate keeping those feeling bottled up, and to help me stop eating so much, I say the words a loud. and that is why I constantly say bad things about myself.

What about the other part? Why do people treat me like shit? Is it me? Most definately!!! I mean, having that kind of track record has to say something about a person. EVERY SINGLE person (excluding family, and even then, the ppl in my family I have to closest relationships with, I don't talk to as much because I am in college) that I have ever met, and cared for, has made me feel like shit. Shit = inadequate, ugly, selfish.... you name it. I don't think that I am this way, but I mean, I can't ignore the facts. Everyone thinks that I am some spoiled loser, that obsesses about the stupidest shit, and is mean and course to everyone. In 50 years, I will be Ouiser Boudreaux for steel magnolias. It is true. Right now, I am wynonna Ryder from girl interuppted. Some spoiled rich girl that is driving herself crazy. I think that is me. I don't believe it, because who wants to believe that they are some horrible rotton person that no one wants to even agknowledge exists? I don't know. I thought that college would be a fresh start, and it was for a while. but it is turning into high school, and I hated high school. sigh, I don't know. You know why I sleep with Shaun? Because it makes me feel alive. so does pain. when I stick my hands over the flame, I feel the biological part of me reacting. so, I guess that proves that I am alive in that sense. emotionally, yeah I am alive. but it doesn't mean that my emotions are valid. I just, I want to feel alive again. that I matter. That I am making someone happy by just being there for them. I have forgotten what that feels like. but, I know that it felt great. Anyway, I think I am going to read some more aradia, and try my hand at sleep. Goodnight.

Tuesday, April 15, 2003

Tue, 15 Apr 2003 03:24:09 GMT

Days like the past few are ones worth living for. They are the ones that keep me from swallowing the pills, cutting myself with a razor and all of those other reach out things. Ok, so I met a lot of people. I was nervous as hell (anxiety disorder...) but they were such cool people that they made me feel like I could be calm around them, not so uptight. Like they weren't all that judgemental. 1. Art. Art is a CSE major, and smart as hell about politics and of course computers. He thinks that vegetarians are cool, because they are a cheap date. Thats the kind of guy I like, one who understands, even if the reasons are a little off. 2. The people at take back the night. Even though I am not a victim of sexual assault, these ppl actually embraced the support, not shun it away because I don't know how it feels. Those women were the strongest most beautiful women I have ever seen. I hope that they know that. 3. Karrie. Ok, so I knew Karrie from high school, but I actually talked to her on sunday when my teacher visited, like really talked. I felt like a had a friend who was a girl again. And it felt so comfortable. 4. Megan. Ditto, except I met her this year at school 5. Terry Link. Him and everyone I met at bailey today through the bike repair class and softball. They were all so great. so accepting and so happy. man they are great.

Yeah, so my high school teacher (the embodiment of a perfect man) came on sunday. It was great to see him again. He made me laugh and smile, but I realized something. I missed him a lot, but I don't need him like I thought I did. I just have to get out there, and meet people. but it is soo hard. ppl hate me, I wish I could just make a good impression, and act nice to ppl. instead I am soooo fricken nervous that I say two word sentences and, it is just bad. So I stick with doing my homework. but that is depressing. So, it puts me in this catch 22. Hanging out with megan helps, because we have a lot in common, even though she can be a bit annoying, but it is annoyingly happy. She is so happy, it is great. I foudn that I have to surround myself with positive ppl. well the ppl that were positive at the beginning of the year aren't anymore, so now, I have to rebuild. Slowly, hopefully I can.

Tuesday, April 08, 2003

Tue, 08 Apr 2003 03:42:24 GMT

My last blog sucked ass. In fact, my day sucked ass. I spent 5 and a half hours on a paper, because my partner didn't do what she was supposed to over the weekend, then on my way home I fell over on my bike and fucked up my elbow and hip. And when I fell, all these tears spilt out. they just kept coming and coming, I don't know from where. maybe it was from the stress of school. I have 26+ pages due by the end of the semester, 10 of which are the begining of my engineering portfolio, that I have to present to the faculty of my department. No, I can deal with school, if I can't, I am screwed, it is all that I have. So maybe it was the fact that I lost my best friend, and no amount of apoligising will ever bring him back. The only way he will come back is if I go against my head and heart and "accept Christ as my savior". I don't know, I mean I can't really fight that I don't know what I really think or feel, because I don't. I don't even know who I am. So I guess that isn't it. Maybe it is because I have been feeling homesick for the past week. I miss being close to the ppl who loved me, even if it is obligatory. It is just that damn hole, that emptyness, that cancer. It is never going to go away, why won't it go away? God, it hurts, so much. I just want it to be gone. sigh, maybe I should divert this energy to writing my essay.

Monday, April 07, 2003

Mon, 07 Apr 2003 01:58:00 GMT

So, I guess some people do read this, I checked my last post and there was a comment, that was actually really thoughtful. woohoo

so, I was going to actually post something, but then I read my last blog and realized the only thing that changed was the date, so I didn't want to sound repetitive. I still feel like everyone hates me, I still feel dirty, and today, I had like some kind of ex flashback. I took a nap with shaun today, because I was feeling like shit (Dr. Wick: Is there something about sex which lifts your feelings of despair?
Susanna: Have you ever had sex? (from the story of my life, Girl Interrupted) and I afterwards, I...I thought that my ex was next to me. And that scared me of course, because I can't believe I dated my ex in the first place so I just didn't say anything. My ex, have I ever talked about my ex... Ok, well I guess I will now. I dated Steve the last two years of high school. He was 3 and a half years older than me, which is prolly the reason I fell for him in the first place. I mean he was older, a cop, and he was interested in me. It was the first time I had felt good about myself, so we endedup getting pretty serious. The only problem was that, well, he was a control freak. I should have figured it out after he sprained my arm, but I was so overwhelmed by the fact that I liked myself for once, that I didn't even notice. The relationship was a joke, every other week, he couldn't sleep, because he was afraid to lose me for one reason or another, he would tell me that he was craving drugs again, that he had almost got into accidents because he was falling asleep at the wheel, because I was the cause of him not sleeping, it was my fault he got fired...I could go on, but it makes me sick thinking about it. I was such an idiot. I finally broke up with him a couple months after I allowed the tension in our "relationship" led me to almost killing myself by razor, by starving myself, and by trying to puke shit up. none of it worked, I was too scared. Or too selfish. I don't know. Why am I bringing this up? I don't know. I guess it is because I miss liking myself, and caring for someone that I believe cares about me. I think that this is the most pointless, shittyest blog ever, so I am going to stop, to save someone who might actually waste their time reading this. back to writing my stupid ass organic farming paper.

Friday, March 28, 2003

Fri, 28 Mar 2003 21:35:21 GMT

Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.

Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live. - Dorothy Parker

This poem is the only thing that has stopped me so many times today from walking in front of a car or swallowing an entire bottle of the most poisonous thing I can find. today was horrid, and nothing at all in particular happened. Last night, I screwed around with Shaun the asshole, because I just don't care anymore. It didn't even feel good. nothing feels good anymore. not living, nothing. The only time I feel good is when I am by myself, outside feeling the wind or rain or whatever on my after a nice long hike or bike ride. That is the only time that I feel like I am wanted or have any desire or need to exist anymore. I come back to campus and I just, I hate it. I do my work and thats fine, but everything else sucks. I have not found one person here who I can say I honestly trust or respect that is my age. I mean I have the obvious professors in bailey that I love, but I mean, I can't go to a professor and bawl my eyes out because I feel lonely, or dissociated, or hated, or all those feelings that I feel right now. I do nothing but bring out the worst in people. I feel like those pre cogs in that terrible movie Minority Report. All I see is pain and hatred and a whole bunch of adjectives that I can't think of right now. I mean, I feel like just opening my mouth causes an adverse chain of events. I don't know, I can hear the words of my therapist in my head but they don't strike any chords. All I hear is the truth. That ppl hate me, that if they don't hate me they ignore me. I am just this blob that exists, that allows my self to be used, and when I don't, I make ppl mad. I have not met one person who didn't want to use me or control me, or try to change me and yet still excepted me and didn't turn out to hate me. All of my camp friends, I didn't keep in touch, so I don't have them anymore. O yeah, there was one person who started to fit this description. But he saw right through me, dumped me as soon as he saw it. Saw that cancer that resides in my words or body that ppl don't want to touch, hear, or see. The only time I feel like I matter, like I said, is when I am meditating, or am doing ritual. But that too, will fade like everything else. I hope that I am found soon. Is anyone even looking for me? Am I wasting my time waiting? I hope that I can figure this out, although I think I already have and the answer depresses me even more. O well, I need to get back to doing homework, the only joy in my life because I am so pathetic.

Monday, March 24, 2003

Mon, 24 Mar 2003 13:02:00 GMT

Yay for me waiting to get into the bathroom!!!!! My STS class got canceled because most of the class has a chem exam today (not me) and so I am waiting to get into the shower and nap til lunch. I think I have resolved the Rob thing. He is really upset at the fact that I am looking into wicca as an alternative to christianity. So upset that I almost threw him out of my room a couple nights ago. Ok, so my quest for spirtuality has led me to wicca. I love almost everything about it. The individuality, the search for inner truth, the holidays, almost everything. I hate christianity, because I feel it is a very condesending (sp?) religion. Do this or you are going to hell, there is only one way to go and ours is right, God is perfect, we are monotheistic even though we worship Jesus like a God... I could go on. This is my understanding of it and well, it comes from years of experience (experience is the ultimate knowledge...) So Rob completely undermined me in the true spirit of a christian, telling me that I didn't know what I was talking about, that I am giving up, that I am looking into wicca for attention, to rebel. Fuck his ass. Ever since we have had this arguement I can't trust him at all. It seems that Rob is fine...until you disagree with him. Then you are wrong, but we can still be friends. I felt like he completely did not try to understand where I was coming from. So I have given up on that. I don't need to justify my actions to anyone, not some asshole guy, no one but myself. The truth is, who am I going to trust? No one, there is not one person I can trust. no matter what I try and think, there is always a different opinion, one that makes more sense then mine and it makes me feel like I can never be right no matter what position I take. So I take no position. I am going to go through my like aquiring knowledge, practicing whatever religion I find suits me, and not form an opinion about anything (besides the obvious, my religious choice and whatever I choose to study) shower time. O yeah, I started a book to help me with my religious path, so, thats why I am writing in here less. like anyone cares.

Saturday, March 15, 2003

Sat, 15 Mar 2003 06:03:33 GMT

I am really slacking on this blog thing...I guess I would enter more but I have company every night. it is my friend Rob, I called in like october that we couldn't be friends, that he would want something more...and I was right. he always tries to touch me in ways that make me feel uncomfortable, and I feel bad, because I don't want to hurt his feelings. so, I lead him on because it is easier then dealing with it. I just don't care anymore. anything that I say, or do, or think is wrong, so what is the point of caring. when I went to floride, my mind either got really clear or really fucked up. being away from school and my friends got me thinking about what was really wrong with me. and the truth of the matter is that I feel really empty inside. I feel like I am a shell, just going through the motions, that I am not really alive. I have been trying to fill this hole with relationships...but the fact is that it goes beyond that. this hole is too big to fill, too big for some stupid guy. I think what is missing is faith. Faith in what, I don't know. Faith that tomorrow wil be a better day, that I am a person who deserves to live, that I am unique, that I am watned, that I am a part of something, that something is taking care of me no matter what. Faith that there is someone out there wh odoesn't judge me, who will listen, even if that person is myself. I just can't trust myself, I have proven that. I dated a guy who didn't respect me, I fool around with a guy because I don't think I can do any better, I tried to kill myself, I was almost anorexic...o yeah, I am one trustworthy type of person. I have decided to try and look for spirituality to get it into my life. If this doesn't work I am giving up, for real. I am so sick of this endless cycle of bullshit in my life, the ups and downs, the emotional rollarcoaster, it is just too much. I don't have anyone, not one person that I can talk to, and spill out everything, and that is just the worst feeling in the world. shit, now I am crying..I wish I could go and "relieve stress"...gtg

Wednesday, February 05, 2003

Wed, 05 Feb 2003 05:31:41 GMT

It is 1:12 in the morning. I feel alone. so what better place can I go to talk to someone who will listen then my blog. so here I go. it turns out that I am really relapsing no joke. it feels really shitty that I thought I was all better, I was discharged and everything. now I need to go back. I lasted a freaking month. let me tell you how great that feels on the ole self esteem. but what can I say, the anxiety is there for me when no one else is. and it isn't anxiety about school, it is about everything but. The way I look, the things I say, what I eat, what I don't eat, just everything. all I want is someone to make this all go away. I feel so trapped, trapped in a body, trapped in a mind that no one wants, not even myself. so why don't I change it? so why don't you move if you don't like where you live, why don't you get better grades if you are failing? because it is hard to give up something that has "worked" in the past. maybe I am taking the easy way out. you know what though, I tried to change, and look what happened. everyone just saw right through it. what if this is all I can be? I would hate it, but then I would have to live with it, like an amputee lives without a limb. this cannot be all there is. there has to be something more, something better. this ache in my heart, it never goes away. when I talk to ppl, when I write, when I wake up, before I go to bed. it keeps me up, all of the time. I can't ignore it, because if I do, it just hurts even more. sometimes, it is so bad I feel like I can't breathe, I can't swallow. it consumes my entire body. Like a lightening bolt, a tingling feeling shoots from my torso and through the limbs, sometimes so bad it is hard to type or walk. why? I don't know why. sometimes it is because of a dissapproving look, or a bad grade, or talking to someone who makes me feel like shit, or eating something fattening. half of the time I don't even know why, and then I start to think what have I forgotten, what have I done? does anyone else feel this way? no, no they don't. if they did I wouldn't feel so alone. I just wish I could find someone who will understand me, and make me feel good, content with myself. Please if this person, or thing is out there, find me fast. I am drowning in a sea of insecurities, and I need something to pull me out. the dr and the drugs almost got me to shore, but they let go, and I ended up right back where I started. anyway, I should get back to my boring ass homework. (write a paper about a metaphor you can use to describe the human body, wtf is that?!) Maybe it will make me feel better. nite