Slide - Ani DiFranco

she was hungry
so hungry
she was trying to think clear
she kept opening the fridge door
staring at the mustard and the beer

then finally she went out into the rain
carrying her bicycle chain
and her feet were the pedals
while her appetite steered
and after that she just followed her nose
and fate is not just
whose cooking smells good
but which way the wind blows

she lay down in her party dress
and never got up
needless to say
she missed the party
she just got sad
then she got stuck

she was bending
like something brittle
trying hard to bend
she was numb
with the terror
of losing her best friend
we never see things changing
we only see them ending

and some vicious whispering voice kept saying
you have no choice
you have....

'cause when I look at you I squint
you are that beautiful
and my pussy is a tractor
and this is a tractor pull
and I am haunted
by my illicit exquisite dream
but I can't really wake up
so I just drift in between
thinking the glass is half-empty
and thinking it's not quite full
the pouring rain is no place for a bicycle ride
try to hit the brakes and you slide
slide
slide
slide

the pouring rain is no place for a bicycle ride
try to hit the brakes and you
slide

I am listening to this song as I am writing this.  Well, it just ended, but I still love this song.  I love Ani DiFranco period.  It is too bad I just discovered her.  I dunno.  so, abstaining from men, I don't know if it is getting harder or easier.  See, I am meeting all of these really great guys, but I know they are way too great to ever go for me.  See what I mean?

People say that I am too hard on myself.  I can't help it.  If I realixze that I am being a jack ass and continue to do it, then I deserve any shit I give myself.  Like if I meet a really nice person and can't talk to them, even though I want to.  and why don't I talk to them?  Because, I will just say something stupid anyway. 

Today, during physics, I found myself with tears in my eyes and I don't know why.  Like, I wasn't in the greatest of moods for reasons I can list.  One, I was in physics, and I hate physics.  Two, I told someone how I did on our first test, and he pretty much called me stupid and that I suck.  It's true, I do.  Three, I met a really great guy last night, and was just tongue tied, I couldn't bring myself to say anything, and I felt really dumb about that.  And then I realized, why bother because he was way to great for me anyway.  and that was depressing, but not enough to make me cry.  Maybe I should just take my meds more regularly.  I feel like I am going in circles.  I feel great, and then I go back to feeling empty.  Right now I feel empty, again.  Either that or I am full of gross stuff.  It sure does a great job of keeping people away though.  I should find out why it happens then make some money off of it.  Got some annoying asshole bugging you?  just use this!  The inventor has been using it all her life!  and now, no one even talks to her!  Holy shit!   Blah, I am just so down.  Like, I know that I need to become a healthy person.  Step one is recognition right?  Well, I have realized this and now I don't know what to do about it.  Like, I could have self esteem.  but I feel guilty if I do, like I am being smug and ignorant.  I know so many people better than me.  What right do I have to say that I have any great qualities when there are so many people around me who have that and more?  I don't even know if that makes any sense.  What makes sense, at least to me, is that I wish I could spend all day in bed.  See, my bed is awesome.  I am in the middle of a lofted bunk bed, I use a tapestry to cover the open part, the wall is on the head and oppisite side of the bed, and then my roommates ladder is at the foot.  It is like my own little space, that I just never want to leave. 

Ok, so who are these wonderful people that I know?

Kile:  Kile is this kid in my organic farming class, and he is the only person that I know who can be just, relaxed all of the time.  He has this childlike wonder with everything.  And he gets so excited about stuff. 

Vinnie: Vinnie is the kid I met last night.  Not only is he a great dancer and cute (at least, I think so) but he is like the most polite, nice person that I have ever met in my life.  He is so...nice to everyone.  he goes out of his way to make people's day.  It is just, wonderful.

Mike:  Mike is my best friend of forever.  He is smart, smarter than any person I have ever met.  He also has good manners, but not good as Vinnie.  Mike knows what he wants out of life.  He just doesn't know how to get there.  And, he knows himself better than anyone I know.My mom thinks that he is my soulmate, but, I don't think so.  I thought a soulmate had to be equal to you in some way?

Audrey:  Audrey is also someone I have met only recently.  but, she is perfect.  and I mean perfect.  She is beautiful on the outside, long blonde hair and a perfect body.  She is nice to everyone, and always has  smile on her face.  She is also way smart.  She recieved this scholarship that only like, 12 out of about 10,000 people in my university get.  she is dating another swing dancing friend of mine, and it is great, because they are both really perfect people, and seemingly perfect for each other.

Craig: Craig studies Aikido with me.  He is just, a liberal.  He is all for womans rights and environmentalism and all the stuff that I am into.  Only, people don't hate him for it.  Because he has a pleasant demeanor all of the time, even though he has anger.  A lot like Kile.

See, there are all these people whose lives I wish I were living.  And my friend mike always says, "well, then, just make it so that you have all of these qualities."  I can't pretend to have something I don't have.  Like a perfect body, or perfect manners, or even being likable in anyway.  I try to be like these people, I really do.  It just doesn't work.  Everyone sees through me.  to...nothing.  I still don't know who I am yet.  I am getting better though.  I mean, I am becoming more and more spiritually satisfied, I know what I like and what I don't like.  But I still feel like I have no identity.  Like, nothing that is my own.  I also have a shitload of homework to do.  whoops.  O well, time to do that shit.  I really need to stop swearing when I write, and just in general