I have been laying in my bed the past half hour, and I just can't sleep.  There is no particular reason I can think of, it is just, my mind is wandering.  It isn't functioning enough to do any homework, so I decided to blog.  About what?  I don't know.  I am just writing in an attampt to try and fall asleep.  I have a candle burning at my desk.  hehehe, so illegal....life in the dorms.

So, I guess I can start off by talking about my lack of any close relationship.  I was joking around with a friend of mine today.  I went o grab the daily paper, and he thought I was going to the candy machine (it is right next to the paper stand).  He asked me why I was getting candy at such an early hour.  And of course, I said, "hell no, I already had enough candy last night!!  My fatass doesn't need anymore."  I said it in a joking matter, I usually do mean it, but in this case I didn't.  Anyway, the first thing he said to me was, yes you are so fat, yeah right.  You just want people to feel sorry for you.  What is fat is the little person inside of you that complains.  He gets a lot of exercise.  I got pretty pissed by this.  It made me think.  On one hand, do I really say those things so that ppl will feel sorry for me?  And on the other hand, why is it that as soon as I get to know someone well, they either leave me or treat me like dirt and say things that make me feel bad.  The answer to the first question is a huge NO.  I have a really negative body image.  It isn't a secret.  I go to the IM building across the street and see all of those girls with the perfect bodies all around me, and I think, why can't that be me?  So, naturally, seeing that it is possible to be that beautiful at least superficially, I think that I am just too much of a glotton to ever look like that.  And, I try puking stuff up, or starving myself, but it never works out, because I have no will power.  So instead, I lament. I guess maybe a part of me says those things because I want someone to refute me.  But then again, no, that isn't it.  I say them because they are true, 100%.  I am a fat ass with no will power.  I hate keeping those feeling bottled up, and to help me stop eating so much, I say the words a loud.  and that is why I constantly say bad things about myself.

What about the other part?  Why do people treat me like shit?  Is it me?   Most definately!!!  I mean, having that kind of track record has to say something about a person.  EVERY SINGLE person (excluding family, and even then, the ppl in my family I have to closest relationships with, I don't talk to as much because I am in college) that I have ever met, and cared for, has made me feel like shit.  Shit = inadequate, ugly, selfish....  you name it.  I don't think that I am this way, but I mean, I can't ignore the facts.  Everyone thinks that I am some spoiled loser, that obsesses about the stupidest shit, and is mean and course to everyone.  In 50 years, I will be Ouiser Boudreaux for steel magnolias.  It is true.  Right now, I am wynonna Ryder from girl interuppted.  Some spoiled rich girl that is driving herself crazy.  I think that is me.  I don't believe it, because who wants to believe that they are some horrible rotton person that no one wants to even agknowledge exists?  I don't know.  I thought that college would be a fresh start, and it was for a while.  but it is turning into high school, and I hated high school.  sigh, I don't know.  You know why I sleep with Shaun?  Because it makes me feel alive.  so does pain.  when I stick my hands over the flame, I feel the biological part of me reacting.  so, I guess that proves that I am alive in that sense.  emotionally, yeah I am alive.  but it doesn't mean that my emotions are valid.  I just, I want to feel alive again.  that I matter.  That I am making someone happy by just being there for them.  I have forgotten what that feels like.  but, I know that it felt great.  Anyway, I think I am going to read some more aradia, and try my hand at sleep.  Goodnight.