Slide - Ani DiFranco

she was hungry
so hungry
she was trying to think clear
she kept opening the fridge door
staring at the mustard and the beer

then finally she went out into the rain
carrying her bicycle chain
and her feet were the pedals
while her appetite steered
and after that she just followed her nose
and fate is not just
whose cooking smells good
but which way the wind blows

she lay down in her party dress
and never got up
needless to say
she missed the party
she just got sad
then she got stuck

she was bending
like something brittle
trying hard to bend
she was numb
with the terror
of losing her best friend
we never see things changing
we only see them ending

and some vicious whispering voice kept saying
you have no choice
you have....

'cause when I look at you I squint
you are that beautiful
and my pussy is a tractor
and this is a tractor pull
and I am haunted
by my illicit exquisite dream
but I can't really wake up
so I just drift in between
thinking the glass is half-empty
and thinking it's not quite full
the pouring rain is no place for a bicycle ride
try to hit the brakes and you slide
slide
slide
slide

the pouring rain is no place for a bicycle ride
try to hit the brakes and you
slide

I am listening to this song as I am writing this.  Well, it just ended, but I still love this song.  I love Ani DiFranco period.  It is too bad I just discovered her.  I dunno.  so, abstaining from men, I don't know if it is getting harder or easier.  See, I am meeting all of these really great guys, but I know they are way too great to ever go for me.  See what I mean?

People say that I am too hard on myself.  I can't help it.  If I realixze that I am being a jack ass and continue to do it, then I deserve any shit I give myself.  Like if I meet a really nice person and can't talk to them, even though I want to.  and why don't I talk to them?  Because, I will just say something stupid anyway. 

Today, during physics, I found myself with tears in my eyes and I don't know why.  Like, I wasn't in the greatest of moods for reasons I can list.  One, I was in physics, and I hate physics.  Two, I told someone how I did on our first test, and he pretty much called me stupid and that I suck.  It's true, I do.  Three, I met a really great guy last night, and was just tongue tied, I couldn't bring myself to say anything, and I felt really dumb about that.  And then I realized, why bother because he was way to great for me anyway.  and that was depressing, but not enough to make me cry.  Maybe I should just take my meds more regularly.  I feel like I am going in circles.  I feel great, and then I go back to feeling empty.  Right now I feel empty, again.  Either that or I am full of gross stuff.  It sure does a great job of keeping people away though.  I should find out why it happens then make some money off of it.  Got some annoying asshole bugging you?  just use this!  The inventor has been using it all her life!  and now, no one even talks to her!  Holy shit!   Blah, I am just so down.  Like, I know that I need to become a healthy person.  Step one is recognition right?  Well, I have realized this and now I don't know what to do about it.  Like, I could have self esteem.  but I feel guilty if I do, like I am being smug and ignorant.  I know so many people better than me.  What right do I have to say that I have any great qualities when there are so many people around me who have that and more?  I don't even know if that makes any sense.  What makes sense, at least to me, is that I wish I could spend all day in bed.  See, my bed is awesome.  I am in the middle of a lofted bunk bed, I use a tapestry to cover the open part, the wall is on the head and oppisite side of the bed, and then my roommates ladder is at the foot.  It is like my own little space, that I just never want to leave. 

Ok, so who are these wonderful people that I know?

Kile:  Kile is this kid in my organic farming class, and he is the only person that I know who can be just, relaxed all of the time.  He has this childlike wonder with everything.  And he gets so excited about stuff. 

Vinnie: Vinnie is the kid I met last night.  Not only is he a great dancer and cute (at least, I think so) but he is like the most polite, nice person that I have ever met in my life.  He is so...nice to everyone.  he goes out of his way to make people's day.  It is just, wonderful.

Mike:  Mike is my best friend of forever.  He is smart, smarter than any person I have ever met.  He also has good manners, but not good as Vinnie.  Mike knows what he wants out of life.  He just doesn't know how to get there.  And, he knows himself better than anyone I know.My mom thinks that he is my soulmate, but, I don't think so.  I thought a soulmate had to be equal to you in some way?

Audrey:  Audrey is also someone I have met only recently.  but, she is perfect.  and I mean perfect.  She is beautiful on the outside, long blonde hair and a perfect body.  She is nice to everyone, and always has  smile on her face.  She is also way smart.  She recieved this scholarship that only like, 12 out of about 10,000 people in my university get.  she is dating another swing dancing friend of mine, and it is great, because they are both really perfect people, and seemingly perfect for each other.

Craig: Craig studies Aikido with me.  He is just, a liberal.  He is all for womans rights and environmentalism and all the stuff that I am into.  Only, people don't hate him for it.  Because he has a pleasant demeanor all of the time, even though he has anger.  A lot like Kile.

See, there are all these people whose lives I wish I were living.  And my friend mike always says, "well, then, just make it so that you have all of these qualities."  I can't pretend to have something I don't have.  Like a perfect body, or perfect manners, or even being likable in anyway.  I try to be like these people, I really do.  It just doesn't work.  Everyone sees through me.  to...nothing.  I still don't know who I am yet.  I am getting better though.  I mean, I am becoming more and more spiritually satisfied, I know what I like and what I don't like.  But I still feel like I have no identity.  Like, nothing that is my own.  I also have a shitload of homework to do.  whoops.  O well, time to do that shit.  I really need to stop swearing when I write, and just in general

so, I am back at school.  I haven't had a chance to update since my last blog since that is when school got out, sooooo

I am just chillin.  A lot has happened since the last time I blogged.  I dated a guy, he got waaaaay too attached and I wasn't feeling the same way, plus he did something that I can't forgive him for, so I broke up with him.  I feel really bad about it, because I know how he feels, but I don't want to hurt him more.  such is life I guess.

Anyway, I have now decided to abstain from men.  And how I am doing it isn't very good, because I am just bashing them, and try to remember all of my horrible experiences.  My roommate told me about her experience with a woman, and I found myself jealous.  so I am exploring this side of myself for now.  I mean, I have always found women attractive sexually (one of my top fantasies) and that, but I have been wondering what it would be like to actually date a woman.  would it really be better then men?  could I open up to them more, would they understand mebetter?  could I actually make them happy?  I have no idea how to go about finding the answers to these questions, but I really want to try.  I don't know, maybe I am just being spoiled or stupid again.  I do a lot of that.  it seems that whatever I am passionate about is stupid.  I mean, ppl groan whenever I open my mouth.  I just, care about stuff.  Like my major, I love my major.  and there is stuff I want to figure out about it, so I talk it out.  The same goes with my spirituality.  and I am a veg, so ppl make fun of me all of the time about that, and some days, I am just not capable to deal with it and not get defensive.  and some of the jokes ppl make, about women getting hit or minorities or lbgt students, I just hate them.  why do ppl think that stuff is so f$cking funny?  it isn't, and I just can't hold myself back somtimes. I mean, I am not perfect you know?  I wish, with my whole heart that i could be perfect to ppl, but I just can't.  I just can be perfect for someone, or many someones.  I don't know, my mind is a mess.  maybe sleeping will help.

I have been laying in my bed the past half hour, and I just can't sleep.  There is no particular reason I can think of, it is just, my mind is wandering.  It isn't functioning enough to do any homework, so I decided to blog.  About what?  I don't know.  I am just writing in an attampt to try and fall asleep.  I have a candle burning at my desk.  hehehe, so illegal....life in the dorms.

So, I guess I can start off by talking about my lack of any close relationship.  I was joking around with a friend of mine today.  I went o grab the daily paper, and he thought I was going to the candy machine (it is right next to the paper stand).  He asked me why I was getting candy at such an early hour.  And of course, I said, "hell no, I already had enough candy last night!!  My fatass doesn't need anymore."  I said it in a joking matter, I usually do mean it, but in this case I didn't.  Anyway, the first thing he said to me was, yes you are so fat, yeah right.  You just want people to feel sorry for you.  What is fat is the little person inside of you that complains.  He gets a lot of exercise.  I got pretty pissed by this.  It made me think.  On one hand, do I really say those things so that ppl will feel sorry for me?  And on the other hand, why is it that as soon as I get to know someone well, they either leave me or treat me like dirt and say things that make me feel bad.  The answer to the first question is a huge NO.  I have a really negative body image.  It isn't a secret.  I go to the IM building across the street and see all of those girls with the perfect bodies all around me, and I think, why can't that be me?  So, naturally, seeing that it is possible to be that beautiful at least superficially, I think that I am just too much of a glotton to ever look like that.  And, I try puking stuff up, or starving myself, but it never works out, because I have no will power.  So instead, I lament. I guess maybe a part of me says those things because I want someone to refute me.  But then again, no, that isn't it.  I say them because they are true, 100%.  I am a fat ass with no will power.  I hate keeping those feeling bottled up, and to help me stop eating so much, I say the words a loud.  and that is why I constantly say bad things about myself.

What about the other part?  Why do people treat me like shit?  Is it me?   Most definately!!!  I mean, having that kind of track record has to say something about a person.  EVERY SINGLE person (excluding family, and even then, the ppl in my family I have to closest relationships with, I don't talk to as much because I am in college) that I have ever met, and cared for, has made me feel like shit.  Shit = inadequate, ugly, selfish....  you name it.  I don't think that I am this way, but I mean, I can't ignore the facts.  Everyone thinks that I am some spoiled loser, that obsesses about the stupidest shit, and is mean and course to everyone.  In 50 years, I will be Ouiser Boudreaux for steel magnolias.  It is true.  Right now, I am wynonna Ryder from girl interuppted.  Some spoiled rich girl that is driving herself crazy.  I think that is me.  I don't believe it, because who wants to believe that they are some horrible rotton person that no one wants to even agknowledge exists?  I don't know.  I thought that college would be a fresh start, and it was for a while.  but it is turning into high school, and I hated high school.  sigh, I don't know.  You know why I sleep with Shaun?  Because it makes me feel alive.  so does pain.  when I stick my hands over the flame, I feel the biological part of me reacting.  so, I guess that proves that I am alive in that sense.  emotionally, yeah I am alive.  but it doesn't mean that my emotions are valid.  I just, I want to feel alive again.  that I matter.  That I am making someone happy by just being there for them.  I have forgotten what that feels like.  but, I know that it felt great.  Anyway, I think I am going to read some more aradia, and try my hand at sleep.  Goodnight.

Days like the past few are ones worth living for.  They are the ones that keep me from swallowing the pills, cutting myself with a razor and all of those other reach out things.  Ok, so I met a lot of people.  I was nervous as hell (anxiety disorder...) but they were such cool people that they made me feel like I could be calm around them, not so uptight.  Like they weren't all that judgemental.  1.  Art.  Art is a CSE major, and smart as hell about politics and of course computers.  He thinks that vegetarians are cool, because they are a cheap date.  Thats the kind of guy I like, one who understands, even if the reasons are a little off.  2.  The people at take back the night.  Even though I am not a victim of sexual assault, these ppl actually embraced the support, not shun it away because I don't know how it feels.  Those women were the strongest most beautiful women I have ever seen.  I hope that they know that.  3.  Karrie.  Ok, so I knew Karrie from high school, but I actually talked to her on sunday when my teacher visited, like really talked.  I felt like a had a friend who was a girl again.  And it felt so comfortable.  4. Megan.  Ditto, except I met her this year at school  5.  Terry Link.  Him and everyone I met at bailey today through the bike repair class and softball.  They were all so great.  so accepting and so happy.  man they are great.

     Yeah, so my high school teacher (the embodiment of a perfect man) came on sunday.   It was great to see him again.  He made me laugh and smile, but I realized something.  I missed him a lot, but I don't need him like I thought I did.  I just have to get out there, and meet people.  but it is soo hard.  ppl hate me, I wish I could just make a good impression, and act nice to ppl.  instead I am soooo fricken nervous that I say two word sentences and, it is just bad.  So I stick with doing my homework.  but that is depressing.  So, it puts me in this catch 22.  Hanging out with megan helps, because we have a lot in common, even though she can be a bit annoying, but it is annoyingly happy.  She is so happy, it is great.  I foudn that I have to surround myself with positive ppl.  well the ppl that were positive at the beginning of the year aren't anymore, so now, I have to rebuild.  Slowly, hopefully I can.